Empowered Women Blog

Paige Parker, author of the ebook, Dating Without Drama will now show the eager readers of Naaree.com the benefits of taking a more rational  and less emotional approach to dating. Ms. Parker will contribute a weekly Dating Dish column for Naaree.com, India’s online magazine for empowered women.

For ten years, Ms. Parker has enjoyed a thriving career as a freelance writer, and found her true calling in advising friends, family, colleagues and acquaintances on how to meet and attract men, communicate effectively with their boyfriends, navigate long-distance relationships, and survive break-ups.

Since launching http://www.DatingWithoutDrama.com in May 2006, Ms. Parker has attracted a loyal fan base of readers around the globe and sold thousands of copies of her ebook, Dating Without Drama: The Essential New Rules to Help You Understand Men and Succeed at the Dating Game. She has now made dating coaching and relationship writing a full-time career.

When you date without drama, you’re allowed to feel and honor all of your emotions just as you normally would; you’ll just learn not to let yourself or your actions be controlled by them, notes Ms. Parker. You’ll begin to make decisions and take action from a place of confidence, not weakness or desperation. The feelings of neediness will disappear. You will get out of your own way and allow yourself to have a successful relationship.

One of the things I really appreciate about Dating Without Drama’ is that it encourages a woman to be independent, do her own thing, feel happy, and maintain her integrity and self-respect. A good man is just part of the mix in a fulfilling life, notes a reader, from Seattle, WA. Another reader testifies that the advice offered is Very empowering. Very practical and way more realistic than The Rules’.

Ms. Parker’s column is a valuable addition to the information we provide at Naaree.com, and strongly connects with our own efforts to empower women have successful relationships, by becoming independent, and living their lives with dignity, states Priya Florence Shah, editor of Naaree.com.

The latest Dating Dish column is now available at http://www.naaree.com

We’re all familiar with the label; if you’re an assertive, confident, intelligent and independent woman, you are often called a b….

Whether you have a high profile career or are a stay-at-home mom, the term still gets attached to women who posses these qualities no matter how nice we are. Men who posses the same qualities don’t seem to have any negative connotations applied to them, but instead are respected and admired - even when they act like ruthless jerks!

In the work place and in relationships, if women show too much femininity we can be seen as weak, but if we are strong and confident we are labeled controlling bitches. I feel we should be allowed to express our femininity while also showing confidence in ourselves and our capabilities without being assaulted by labels.

As single women and moms we all manage to run our lives independent of a man. Add confidence, career success, and a positive, outgoing personality and that becomes a threat to anyone who is the least bit insecure about themselves men and women alike.

Confidence is intimidating to those who don’t have it, and they feel they can attain it by taking you down. If someone feels they can’t compare, (and being insecure, they do compare) they will try to knock you down to feel better about themselves. This is a key reason why we end up being labeled a b….

Being confident further empowers our independence as women and enables us to be successful in many areas of our lives. For many, the higher we rise, the further these people would like to see us fall.

Somehow, being called a bitch undermines our success and shakes us up because we CARE! We don’t want to be cast negatively, but instead be recognized and appreciated for all of our qualities and capabilities. Sometimes we feel we need to do damage control when we’ve been labeled a b…, so we become overly sweet to try to reverse it. If you’re someone who can relate to this, then you also know this never works.

How does all this play out in a relationship? Being a confident and independent woman myself, I can tell you what I’ve learned. I’ve known, dated, and been in relationships with men who say they are very attracted to a woman who is comfortable in her own skin, and I believe they are.

But when these men are in a relationship with that kind of woman and aren’t strong and confident enough themselves, they start trying to knock us down because they’re intimidated by us. They start to feel inadequate and then blame us for making them feel that way, and the relationship fails. This happens no matter how affirming you are of him if he knows he’s not measuring up to his own standards regardless of what you think and say otherwise, you are the scapegoat for all that is wrong in the world!

This independent woman/b…. conundrum is not specific to the workplace or relationships, it’s everywhere; so what can we do about it? Can we change it, or somehow learn to live with it? Can we beat the system by being feminine and strong, capable and confident, independent and successful? If we possess confidence and are independent, should we embrace it or try to conceal it?

Mindy Erickson is a blog owner and single mom of 4 children dedicated to the support of single mothers. Single mom’s have unique issues that Mindy addresses.

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Beauty and a sexy femininity tend to give a woman confidence, more power, and greater control in finding love and marriage with a Good Man. Isn’t this obvious to you? Don’t you sense how beauty and a sexy femininity are your allies, your friends in seeking the happiness of love and marriage to a Good Man?

By making yourself beautiful, sexy, and feminine for potential Good Men, you are only being submissive or surrendering to the realities of men and women and to what can help you attract those Good Men to you. In fact, rather than making you submissive, surrendering to the realities empowers you. Surrender to the realities of what men are:

* Men are visual and love beauty in a woman.
* Men are sexual and love sexiness in a woman.
* Men are masculine and love femininity in a woman.

The journey of finding and marrying a man begins right here: just surrender to those realities. The whole process of finding and marrying a man and then keeping your marriage alive and happy should be a fun experience. (Why do people think that it is so difficult to find a man, not just any man, but Mr. Right, your Prince Charming, a near-perfect-for-you man, a husband, your Good Man?) Do you want to have an enjoyable and exciting time or a difficult time finding your man? It depends on your attitude. I suggest we go on a fun and exciting even outrageous journey to attract appropriate men and then to choose and to keep your one Good Man for life.

Py Kim Conant, Sex Secrets of an American Geisha: How to Attract, Satisfy, and Keep Your Man, Hunter House, October 28, 2006. Looking for relationship, dating and sex tips? Visit Py’s website at http://www.AmericanGeishaHouse.com

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The Great Goddess may be an ancient echo in the collective unconscious of the human race, but her legacy still lives in every woman. Today’s woman is rediscovering her inherent female strengths and creating a new model of feminine power: the Modern Goddess.

The 20th century ushered in the modern era of more freedom and more rights for women. Another big push came in the 1960’s and 1970’s with the Women’s Liberation movement, which helped to open up more opportunities for women to work in previously male-dominated fields. We focused so intently on getting money and position and things that we lost sight of what it really means to be female. We forgot that men are meant to serve us. We forgot how to be gracious and serene. That is why, now that we have entered the 21st century and the next millennium, it’s time for us to take another leap forward and become proud examples of the truly Modern Goddess. Cultivating the proper Goddess attitude naturally attracts good into your life. Struggle becomes a thing of the past. With the right attitude you can harness the flow of good that is your god-given right and ride it gracefully toward your desires.

The Four Pillars

The Four Pillars of the Modern Goddess are the foundation on which your new life is built. As you create and cultivate the Four Pillars in yourself, your life begins to move and change in magical and mysterious ways. To be a woman is to be an earthbound vessel for the unseen power that is the true nature of our reality. That power is meant to be honored and cherished, as is every woman on this planet. The Four Pillars give us some simple guidelines for remembering how beautiful and special each one of us is.

Pillar I: Never Rush.

A Goddess has time for everything that is important to her. She stays calm and relaxed. If you are stressed out and harried, stop and take a deep breath. You always have all the time you need if you believe you do. Learn how to say no. Don’t over-commit yourself. Live life at your own pace.

Pillar II: Never Worry.

A Goddess knows that she always has everything she needs. Worry is needlessly borrowing trouble from the future. She knows that things always have a way of working themselves out if we allow them to. She has a deep and abiding faith that God is her source and she always has enough.

Pillar III: Receive Graciously.

A Goddess graciously receives all gifts and compliments with a simple, thank you. She never belittles or criticizes herself or her accomplishments. When someone wants to give you something or help you, accept the gift with a smile. A Goddess always remembers that allowing men to assist and serve her is the gift she gives to them.

Pillar IV: Appreciate Continually.

Accept and appreciate all the good that comes to you, especially the little things. Whatever you appreciate increases. Make it a habit to say, how usual! whenever something good happens to you. The more you express your gratitude, the more good the universe sends your way.

How Usual

Most people react to something good happening to them as an out- of-the-ordinary event. How often have you said, I don’t believe it! or, that’s amazing! when you receive a delightful surprise. Words and thoughts have great power, so if your words convey to the universe that this is an unusual occurrence, it will comply. Your subconscious will make sure that it’s amazing that anything good ever happens to you.

In our house we have adopted a more positive way of responding. My husband and I love to exclaim (often in unison), how usual! whenever something good happens to either of us whether it is a parking spot, a good news phone call, or a nice fat check in the mail. Receiving good is how usual in our life because we are in the habit of mentally creating it. Why not get into the how usual! habit yourself. Let the universe know that receiving good is a regular, everyday thing for you, too. How usual!

Today these Four Pillars are the foundation of my everyday life. They are all ingrained in me as habits of thinking and action. Not only do they make daily living a joy, they also make it possible to attract a great man who thinks the same way. It should be no surprise to you that my husband has these very same habits and beliefs. You, too, can attract wonderful people and good things into your life by adopting the Four Pillars as your own.

Barbara Wright Abernathy helps take-charge women become as successful at love as they are at work. She’s the author of Venus On Top: Women Who Are Born to Lead and the Men Who Love Them. Get your FREE report 3 Biggest Mistakes People Make While Dating

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We still live in a society that promotes the notion that it is normal for a man to desire many women and yet normal for a woman to desire only one man. Our beliefs about male and female behavior may have been helpful in the past, but today they are doing much more harm than good.

As a society we need to stop perpetuating the myth that females are naturally monogamous because this erroneous belief keeps women from taking responsibility when they do cheat. Unfortunately, when women cheat they typically put the blame on their husbands.

Most of the prevailing beliefs we hold about women were created and taught to control the sexual behavior of females in an effort to ease paternity insecurity in males. When females give birth they know the children they give birth to are biologically theirs. Males on the other hand, prior to DNA testing, had to rely on the faithfulness of their partners; which is the reason a sexual double-standard emerged. However, over time the sexual double-standard gave way to a false belief that females were in fact naturally monogamous. Today, it is no longer necessary to continue teaching this false belief because DNA testing allows males to have the same certainty about paternity as females.

Today, women initiate approximately 70 - 75% of all divorces. Due to our false beliefs, women lack adequate knowledge about their natural sexual impulses; as a result, they are much more likely than men to leave their marriages due to their sexual attractions and affairs. Although women typically pursue separations and divorces under the guise of searching for self the real reason is often another man. It’s not uncommon for women to be happily married prior to their affairs; it’s also not uncommon for men to be divorced by their wives without ever knowing about their wives’ extramarital relationships.

For many years now, women have been knowingly or unknowingly performing a balancing act - trying to attain equal rights, while at the same time, trying to maintain their special rights. Interestingly enough, most women are still not happy. Women continue to feel they get the short end of the stick. Women still do not feel as though they have equal rights, much less special rights, why? Because the sexual double standard still exists in our culture; but ironically, women’s final right to claim is the root from which their oppression stemmed.

However, it is no longer men who oppress women - it is women. Women have not yet decided whether they want to trade their image and all the special treatment that it affords them, for the public sexual freedom which is afforded to males. As a result, one of the biggest problems in relationships today, is due to the fact that women are finding it increasingly more difficult to maintain their image, now that their survival is no longer contingent upon it.

It is only by doing away with the sexual double standard that females will finally achieve the equality they have so long sought after. However, in doing so, they will have to give up one of their special rights - they will no longer be able to blame males for their sexual indiscretions and their lack of self control.

Michelle Langley is the author of Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo: What Women Really Mean When They Say, I’m Not Happy To read an excerpt from Women’s Infidelity visit http://womensinfidelity.com/

Has anyone ever spoken to you in an inappropriate manner? Often people are caught off guard and are not prepared to handle these challenging situations. But, as a leader, whenever you are in a situation that’s uncomfortable, it’s imperative that you speak up; the person needs to know that the behavior is inappropriate and that you will not tolerate it. Being a leader means that you expect the best of those around you and you hold them to the higher standard.

When you say nothing, the impact is great - to both you and to everyone else in your company. Saying nothing sends the message that the behavior is acceptable and the person is more likely to repeat it. Others may interpret this to mean that it’s okay to act in that way. Saying nothing can also leave you feeling victimized.

Learning to assert yourself in a way that gets your point across with grace and style is part of becoming a strong leader; it takes some tools, a little practice and a lot of courage. Becoming assertive will build your leadership muscles and foster self-respect as well as decrease your level of stress.

What Are Personal Boundaries?

Personal boundaries are the limits you set for how others may act or speak in your presence. They are lines you draw that define yourself. They are not walls to shut people out, but rather limits that keep the unwanted behaviors of others from entering your space. Boundaries are essential for personal health. They act as filters, permitting what’s acceptable into your life and keeping other elements out. Your boundaries are about what others may do to you or in your presence.

Whatever offenders do, you must remember that it’s not personal; it’s not about you even though it feels personal. Another person’s behavior is always about him or her and what thoughts s/he harbors in his mind. For example, if someone raises her voice, swears or speaks down to you, she may want power; she may need to be heard; she may want attention; whatever the reason, it’s about her.

Identify Your Boundaries

First you’ll need to identify your boundaries. Ask yourself how you want to be spoken to and how you want to be treated. What behaviors are acceptable? What behaviors are marginally acceptable?

Consider how parents do this with their children in order to socialize them and to help them grow. Yet, rarely do people leave childhood feeling they know exactly how to get their needs met and how to stop people from hurting them. Our parents do the best they can; as adults, we must pick up where they left off. We are responsible for how we experience life and for how we allow others to treat us.

Take notice of your feelings. Your feelings are your inner messengers, your inner guidance system. When a boundary is crossed, there is a definite physiological response. If someone’s comments or actions make you uncomfortable, notice how you react. Notice what part of your body reacts and acknowledge the feeling. Note what the person is doing or saying that is giving you this reaction and empower yourself by responding appropriately.

Express Your Boundaries

Once you are clear about your boundaries, you must educate people as to how to act in your presence. If you never tell anyone how to treat you, they will treat you in whatever way they choose. When you say nothing, you give your power away. It’s one thing to confide in a co-worker, I don’t like the way he spoke to me, and quite another to tell the person directly, Please don’t speak to me in that tone. When you assert your boundaries, you are telling others how you expect to be treated and you are respecting yourself.

You may become angry, frustrated or sad when a boundary is crossed. Don’t suppress your feelings; when you suppress your emotions, you only hurt yourself by increasing your stress and expending energy on keeping the feelings pent-up, which eventually can cause physical harm to your body. You also don’t want to react inappropriately to your emotions either.

As a leader, you need to learn to identify the source of the emotion, which is the other person’s actions and your permitting it in your space, and learn how to respond appropriately to get the results you want.

Enforce Your Boundaries

There are several ways to assert yourself and enforce your boundaries. Here are some tools for you to use:
Inform by pointing out the behavior you find unacceptable. Did you realize you were speaking very loudly?

Make a request. Please do not raise your voice to me.
Give instructions. I need for you to lower your voice.
Warn the person. You may not speak to me in that tone.
Make a demand. Stop it! I demand you stop yelling at me right now!
Leave. What you are doing is unacceptable to me. I am willing to work it out with you when you are able to be reasonable. I must leave now to protect myself.

Being a leader means demanding excellence of others asking for and expecting others to do and to be their best. When they miss the mark, you need to bring it to their attention. When you assert yourself and point out inappropriate behavior, you demonstrate leadership, exhibit self-respect and become a role model for others.

Julie Fuimano, MBA, BSN, RN is a Personal & Career Coach and Author of 101 Tips For Developing The Leader In You! . Her passion is coaching her clients to stop struggling and start enjoying themselves! For your free coaching consultation, visit Julie at http://www.nurturingyoursuccess.com, write to her at Julie@nurturingyoursuccess.com or call her directly at (484) 530-5024.

I’ve just added a new page featuring Workshops For Empowering Women. These workshops are offered by Alison Armstrong of PAX Programs and have been recommended to me by a number of writers on women’s issues, so I’m happy to recommend them to you here.

Celebrating Women: Regarding Ecstasy & Power - Learn to how to nurture your inner Queen and you will be treated like one.

Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women: A Two-Day Workshop for Women - The workshop for women who want to know about men. The Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshop will help you understand why men do what they do.

Understand Men 101: Making Sense Of Men - In only three hours, you could unlock the door to an entirely new way of relating to men. Making Sense Of Men is for women who want to understand men better.

Celebrating Men & Sex: Change the Way You Relate To Men - Identify your sexual needs. Everything from what you need in a relationship for sex to be part of it, to what you need to be willing to participate in different sexual acts, from kissing to intercourse, and more.

Celebrating Men & Marriage: Free yourself from the fantasies and superstitions about marriage - Free yourself from the fantasies and superstitions about marriage, and see yourself and men in an entirely new way.

Check out the workshops here to understand yourself and the men in your life better.

One of my clients, whose boyfriend recently broke up with her, asked me the following question…”I think I still love him, but is this love or just emotional dependency?

When it feels as if you can’t live without the other person, it is emotional dependency. The part of you that is “in love” is really a child or adolescent who is needy for love because you are not giving love to yourself or to others. There is an emptiness inside that you expect someone else to fill, because you are not taking responsibility for your own feelings of self-worth. You are attaching your worth to another’s love, which is why you can’t live without that person.

When you fall in love as a loving adult instead of as a wounded, needy child or adolescent, your need for the relationship is totally different. As a loving adult, you have learned how to fill yourself with love and define your own worth. Instead of needing someone to fill you and make you feel lovable and worthy, you already feel worthy and full of love.

You experience this inner fullness because you have learned how to take full responsibility for your own feelings and needs, and you have learned to fill yourself with love. This fullness overflows and you want to share this love with another person, another loving adult who is also filled with love. Your desire is to share love rather than to get love.

The kind of person you will pick will be totally different when a loving adult is choosing than when your wounded self is choosing. The people we pick have a similar level of woundedness and a similar level of emotional health.

Obviously, the more you have done your inner work to connect with Divine Love and bring that love within to take loving care of yourself, the more you will be attracted to someone also does this.

When you pick from your wounded self (emotional dependency), you will pick someone whom you believe wants the job of filling you up. The problem is that the other person may be attempting to fill you up in the hopes that you will also fill him up.

Two people who each want to get love rather than share love will eventually find themselves very disappointed with each other. They will each blame the other for not loving them in the way they want to be loved.

When relationships break up, it is often because one or both partners are not taking responsibility for their own feelings and self-worth and are blaming the other for their resulting unhappiness.

If you are so attached to someone that you feel you can’t live without that person, try learning to give to yourself and others what it is you want from this person. Your job is to become the person to yourself that you want the other person to be. Then you will be able to be “in love” rather than “in need.”

You will be able to love another person for who he is rather than for what this person can do for you. Instead of needing to get love, you can give love from the heart for the joy of it and feel filled in the giving.

Copyright Margaret Paul, Ph.D. All rights reserved.

About the Author: Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Visit her web site for a free Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com.

Lovemaking isn’t just for slender women. But large women who have body image issues often have problems in relationships because they think that men want a woman with a perfect body.

Although a man isn’t going to pass up the chance to look at such a woman, the perfect body is not at the top of a man’s want list. You don’t have to have that perfect body if you want to enjoy great lovemaking with your man.

Here’s what men really want from their women:

–Passion. Men love passionate women. A lusty interest in intimacy will wow a man every time. A blasé attitude isn’t sexy. Powerful positive emotions of love and desire are. These emotions are far more important that the packaging in which the emotions come. Men want to be desired and loved. Letting them know that you’re passionate about them will turn them on every time and pave the way for great lovemaking.

–Enthusiasm. Men want women to be enthusiastic. Enthusiasm is upbeat energy, and upbeat energy is electric. Bring enthusiasm into the bedroom and watch the sparks fly. Enthusiasm improve your lovemaking almost instantly

–Caring. Men need their women to be caring. A man’s ego really can’t handle much criticism. Criticism, in fact, is a great way to kill ardor.

A woman who is working hard to be perfect herself tends to exact the same standards from her lover. That kind of pressure is a definite turn-off. Nurture your partner with the kind of caring you’d like to receive yourself and you’ll be amazed at the kind of gentle response you’ll get in return during lovemaking.

–Kindness. Men want kindness and patience. When women go on rigid diets, they tend to get a little, ah, witchy. Men don’t like this.

Men want women to cut them some slack and treat them with the same respect that we often save for our best friends. A man who is respected and treated kindly will usually be a happy, virile man who is wonderful at lovemaking.

–Playfulness. Man want women to be playful and have a sense of erotic adventure. Who wants a woman who’s all serious and hung up on getting things just right? Intimacy shouldn’t be about looking good. It’s about having fun. A woman who is willing to experiment and get silly in bed will enjoy incredible lovemaking.

Women think that men don’t want intimacy. This isn’t true. Men want it as much as women do. They just don’t like to talk about it. If you want to be close to your man, stop focusing on creating the perfect body and create the perfect atmosphere for lovemaking. he great thing about giving your man what he wants is that it will get you what you want closeness and romance and awesome lovemaking.

Wouldn’t you rather be making love than counting calories or running on a treadmill? If you’re a large women who wants to be beautiful and sexy AND have great sex without having to diet and exercise, A Big Beautiful Woman’s Guide To Great Sex-The Caramel Sutra is the e-book for you.

Do you believe that you need a partner to be happy? My client, Adrienne, an attractive woman in her 50’s, has been married and divorced twice. She was unhappy in both marriages, but she still believes that she needs a partner to be happy. This belief continually leads her into inappropriate relationships with men who initially come on strong, only to turn out to be emotionally needy, just like her.

The problem is we attract people at our common level of woundedness and our common level of health. Because Adrienne had never learned to take loving care of herself, she generally met men who were not taking care of themselves. When she finally did meet a man who was taking personal emotional responsibility, the relationship was short-lived. He soon lost interest in a woman who wanted him to make her happy.

As Adrienne and I worked together, it became apparent that she had spent her whole life taking emotionally responsibility for others  her parents, her children, and her partners. In her belief system, she was supposed to make others happy and they were supposed to make her happy. But it never seemed to work out that way  she never felt happy.

Adrienne also believed that taking care of herself was selfish rather than self-responsible. She feared that if she did what she wanted to do, instead of what everyone else wanted her to do, the people around her would be mad at her.

As we worked together, it became apparent to Adrienne that her unhappiness was not because she didn’t have a partner but because she was not taking responsibility for herself. She was not speaking up for herself at work or with the men she dated, instead allowing people to walk all over her.

She realized that in constantly trying to have control over people not getting angry with her, she was abandoning herself. It was her self-abandonment that was causing her so much pain and feelings of aloneness.

As Adrienne began to take better care of herself, she started to feel better. But she still felt that there was a hole in her life. She wanted a partner for companionship to have dinner with, to go to a movie with, to travel with and play with.

Adrienne, I said to her, I understand that you would love to have a partner to do things with. But why can’t you do these things with friends? I’m not saying to stop being open to finding a partner, but meanwhile, why not do these things with friends?

I don’t have friends, she replied. I have been so busy trying to find a partner that I haven’t taken any time to develop friendships. When I don’t have a date, I tend to isolate.

How do you feel when you isolate?

I feel sad and lonely. That’s why I think I need a partner to be happy. It just hasn’t occurred to me that I could be doing fun things with friends.

So, this is a major way that you have not been taking care of yourself. You have been allowing yourself to feel sad and lonely rather than taking care of yourself by developing friendships. Would you be willing to put yourself in places where you might meet people and to reach out for friendship?

Adrienne agreed that she would do this. The next week in our phone session, she sounded much better. She had met an interesting woman at her daughter’s soccer game and they had plans to meet for lunch.

As Adrienne devoted herself to developing close friendships, she stopped feeling sad and lonely. As a happier woman, she started meeting happier men. The last time I spoke with her, she was dating a man she really liked. And she was keeping up her friendships, determined to not make this man responsible for her happiness.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and Healing Your Aloneness. She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

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