Empowered Women Blog

As a woman who’s experienced her fair share of personal tragedy and failed relationships, I feel very strongly that a woman should be completely independent of her man.

I don’t mean that you should never let a man do anything for you. Independence to me means being able to take care of my own needs in a healthy manner, with or without a man.

Independence promotes self-worth and self-esteem. It also gives you the confidence to walk away from an unfulfilling or abusive relationship.

Healthy, secure men are attracted to independent, confident women. Only insecure men like women who are clingy and dependent. And that’s definitely not the sort of man you want to attract.

If you like being the “damsel in distress”, waiting for a man to rescue you from your loneliness, you’d better get used to being the doormat or discard, when he trades you in for another model.

There are five forms of independence I believe every woman should cultivate:

1. Physical Independence:

Many codependent women fake illness (or choose to believe that they’re ill) to get attention and get taken care of by their family. Really, how empowering can it be to have someone else take care of all your physical needs?

Unless you suffer from a serious illness or disability, buying groceries, managing your bank accounts, and paying bills are things you should be able to do for yourself, even if you live with someone else.

Take responsibility for your own health and well-being. As a burden to others, you become vulnerable to abuse or abandonment.

2. Sexual Independence:

Learning to pleasure oneself can be very empowering for a woman. Men do it all the time, so there’s no reason why women can’t.

If you can meet your own sexual needs in a healthy manner, you’ll never have to settle for one-night stands or relationships that are demeaning.

Because of conditioning by family and society, many women are not even comfortable with exploring their own bodies. False beliefs about sex and our own bodies can lead to sexual incompatibility and unhappiness in marriage.

For the sake of your marriage and relationships, learn to get comfortable with your own body. If you know how to pleasure yourself, you can help your partner pleasure you better.

3. Financial Independence:

Many women still expect a man to be the provider and a source of security. A man who has a home and car is seen as a better match than one who doesn’t. But like us women, men want to be loved for themselves, not for what they can give us.

If you depend on a man financially, you’ll always be at his mercy, willing to tolerate abuse or disrespectful behaviour. Relationships built on a foundation of need are doomed to fail, or be unhappy for one or both people.

Unless she is taking care of kids and the home - a job in itself - no woman should be financially dependent on a man. At the very least, she should be educated or capable of using her skills and talents to stand on her own two feet, should the man walk out of the relationship.

Being financially independent enhances your own self-worth, and gives you the freedom to make better choices in relationships. You’re less likely to tolerate disrespect or abuse if you know you can fend for yourself.

4. Emotional Independence:

This is the ability to deal with emotional issues and problems on your own. If you act emotionally needy and clingy, you’ll attract insecure men.

Neediness will not only attract potential abusers, but will also drive away a good man looking for a strong, independent woman.

If you’re having trouble meeting your own emotional needs, I recommend you read Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child by Margaret Paul.

5. Spiritual Independence:

A good man wants to be with an independent-thinking woman, not one who follows him around agreeing to everything he says.

Being an independent thinker means having the courage to stand by your beliefs, speak your mind, and follow the path that feels right for you. It makes you less likely to attract a man who is controlling and tries to dictate what you should think, read or believe in.

Independence is attractive because it gives a woman the freedom to make better choices and enter a healthy, authentic, inter-dependent relationship on her own terms.

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Copyright Priya Shah

Priya Shah writes about self-improvement and women’s empowerment. Click here for relationship tips and advice.

This article may be reprinted as long as the resource box is left intact and all links are hyperlinked.

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It probably isn’t a big shock to say that Men and Women are different in their relationships. These differences are glaringly obvious when it comes to their differences in how they talk about their feelings.

Some differences are purely biological and there is no debate such as the fact that the Corpus Callosum (the part of the brain that connects the two brain hemispheres) is larger in women than men and because of this, women process thinking and feeling simultaneously.

This makes sense when it comes to caring for a child who is crying and needs for an adult not to ignore their feelings. It is just has important for men to have a smaller Corpus Callosum which enables them to separate feelings from thinking.

This enables men to respond fairly well in a crisis when feelings would interfere with the ability to stay cool under pressure. While this is often helpful information for my clients I have found the need to often give Women an example to illustrate this point in modern day terms.

Let’s imagine that I am in a group full of men and women, and I pick out a gentleman named Steve. I say to Steve, “I want to illustrate something to your wife so if you will indulge me with a little experiment, I’ll give you $1000 to slip into this tiny little Speedo bathing suit. In the next room there are 20 women whom I want you to dance around and make a fool of yourself in this little bathing suit.”

Now, once I show Steve the $1,000 I really don’t think I’ll have much trouble getting him to agree. He may even demand more money, but the odds are that I can probably offer him enough money to entice him into becoming a dancing machine. Steve, like most men, doesn’t take himself too seriously when it comes to his body because men, in general, are very comfortable with their bodies.

Now, let’s imagine I turned to Susan (Steve’s wife) and said to her, “Susan, here is a string bikini. I will give you $1000 if you will go next door, put this on and dance around in front of a room full of men.” Susan, like most every woman, would refuse. I could offer $2000, and she would still reply, “Not a chance!”

The odds are no matter how much money I offer, Susan will probably never take me up on my dare. The reason she will not do so is that women, in general, are “BODY MODEST.” Women are very modest about their appearance, how they present themselves, and it would mortify most women to have to present themselves in such a way.

In the same sort of context, men are “FEELINGS MODEST”. For a man to share how he feels, what is going on inside of him, is just as awkward for him as it would be for Susan in the above example to parade around in front of a group of people in a bikini.

Now, this doesn’t mean that men shouldn’t be encouraged to share their feelings or to open up and get in touch with the vulnerable side of themselves that is rarely accessed, it just means that it does not come as naturally. If a woman presses a man to share feelings, it is important that she realize that what she is comfortable with and what is familiar to her is very awkward and disjointed for a man.

I fully believe that a man needs to share and understand his feelings, but if he clams up and doesn’t know how to describe them, the most important thing for a woman to do is not to punish him. It is going to take time for him to trust you to be so vulnerable. If you shame him, he will rarely take a chance and try it again.

Bob Grant, “The Relationship Doctor” is the author of the best-selling book, “The Woman Men Adore…and Never Want to Leave.” His coaching firm has been helping women achieve the relationship of their dreams throughout the United States and World. In addition he has published a Free Report entitled “How to be Irresistibly Sexy to Men”. You may learn more by visiting him at: http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com

Women complain they can’t get men to talk. When time comes for intimate conversation, guys clam up, offer a few, indecipherable grunts and expect women to magically understand what’s going on. The number one complaint women have in relationships is, I don’t know what he’s thinking. He never tells me what is going on with him. How can I get him to open up?

Women feel shut out, and men feel misunderstood. However, there is something women don’t realize. Men want to talk. Under the right conditions, they’ll talk all night long. Most men desperately need to unburden themselves and let others know what’s going on.

Trained For Silence

Men are silenced by different factors - the roles they are forced to play, lessons they’ve learned from their own families, or hurt from past relationships. They are silenced by prevalent myths of manhood, which often contradict the reality of the lives now.

A common myth is that it is unmanly to talk, to open up and tell all. A man must present an invincible image to the world. As children boys are told - Boys don’t cry. That stuff’s for girls. Implicit in the idea is that expressing feelings represents weakness. It is as if they say, I’m powerful, I need nothing from you.

Putty In Her Hands

If she knows too much about me, I’ll be putty in her hands, said Robert, a thirty year old executive. I never let a woman know what’s really doing inside. Why should I? She’ll only throw it back at you when there’s a fight later.

Robert lives expecting trouble. In fact, he not only looks forward to it, but also does his share to quietly make it happen. It’s the way he releases his pent up feelings.

It’s okay to fight, Robert continued. You get closer later. I mean, if you can survive a good fight, then the two of you have a chance.

For Robert, communication, via fighting, is for the purpose of establishing rank. This is not communication, but sparring. It is domination, masking itself as love.

Real communication is never about winning or losing. The essence of real communication is always about love

Getting Him To Talk

In order to bring out the best in a man, and hear all of what he has to say, there are easy steps which when followed, will help this happen easily.

No Rejection

He’s got to feel he’s not going to be rejected, says Ed Pankau, nationally acclaimed private investigator and best-seller, author of How To Hide Your Assets And Disappear. Men are afraid if they do open up, someone’s going to laugh at them and they’ll be humiliated. Men are much more afraid of rejection than women. People don’t realize that.

Don’t Judge Him

Feeling judged is another form of rejection. Listen to what he is saying, and beyond listening, offer something positive in return, Pankau continues. After he tells you some things you could then say, Well, that’s not so bad. I’ve done worse.’ Let him know you’re on his team, and not sitting there judging him.

Reveal Yourself As Well

There must be mutual disclosure between partners. Everybody has problems, fears and skeletons in the closet, Mr. Pankau continues. Many guys feel, if I reveal this, she’ll leave me. You have to show that this is not the case. Reveal something about yourself that shows you have as much trust in him as he has in you.

Let Go Of Past Grievances

If an individual feels his communication will be distorted, misunderstood, told to others, or thrown back at him at a later date, it is impossible for him to open up. Some people hold onto what has been said at one point in time, and never let it go.

The ability to forgive may be just as simple as realizing that what was true a year ago, may not be true now. True communication requires the ability to remain in the present moment and to let the past be over when it’s done.

Listen To Everything He Wants To Say

Lewis Harrison, Healer and Director of the Academy of Natural Healing, has a different experience regarding communication. As far as I’m concerned, he said, I, personally, tell everybody everything. I can’t hold it back if I want to. My wife is willing to listen to everything. I don’t have to lie to her at all.

Not only is Lewis’s wife willing to hear what he says, but she is willing to take action to give him what he asks for. This is communication taken to the highest level. Her ability to understand is manifested both in words and in deeds. We all want love and we want to give love but are not willing to do what is required to make that happen, and part of that is honesty.

Celebrate Honesty

In order to communicate honestly, you have to accept honesty from others, and many people won’t. Arrmand DiMele, Director and Founder of the DiMele Center for Psychotherapy and the host of the Positive Mind show asked, Is it even possible to have honest relationships?

The assumption is everybody’s going to be honest. The truth is few people are. The main reason that people are not honest is the consequences are too big. You can’t do it if the other person is not going to celebrate honesty.

The ability to accept honesty from others grows as we a realize that true security does not come from the approval of others, but from being true to ourselves.

Be True To Yourself

How can we be true to ourselves if we don’t know who we are? Identity is a complex matter. For some men it consists of clinging to a role, or rigid sense of themselves. This man does not realize that who a person is today, he may not be tomorrow. At different times different parts of himself will emerge, the Warrior, Healer, Lover, Wise Man, Real Guy. We all can and must grow into newer and larger senses of ourselves
Unless a man is allowed to explore different aspects of himself he can easily fall prey to compulsions and misfortunes. His love becomes conditional, given one moment and taken away the next.

Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, is a psychologist, author, relationship expert on i.village, and speaker. Her latest book is Living By Zen, (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life) , with a section on relationships upon which this article is based. Some of her other books include, Zen And The Art Of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), What He Can’t Tell You And Needs To Say (Putnam), Why Men Leave (Putnam), Zen Miracles, (Finding Peace In An Insane World) and more. She can be reached at topspeaker@yahoo.com, or her personal website http://www.brendashoshanna.com

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“What’s life without a girl friend?” asks Jimmy, a tall, forty-five year old Sicilian man, an irresistible charmer. “I never say good-bye to one without a few more waiting in the wings,” he says. “It keeps me going. Is that so bad?” Then he flashes his boyish grin.

Although he never stays long, Jimmy has strong opinions on male female relationships. “There’s a conflict of roles, with no roles clearly defined. “Women want monogamous relationships. Men don’t want to get trapped. Men get guilty about leaving though. Believe it or not, it’s hard to leave. We men do get guilty. Whatever we do we end up feeling like rats.

Underneath all this are his feelings of dependency. Jimmy believes a man is nothing compared to a woman.”A man really wants a woman to run the show,” he says easily. “A guy doesn’t know what’s going on. But he also wants the woman to let him think he’s running it. If women could only understand that -boy. It’s a subtle thing.

Commenting on this issue, Dr. Robert Berk, says, “There are a lot of men who can’t tolerate their own dependency on women because they experience it as emasculating. They therefore withdraw. Some downgrade the woman to make her appear a lot less valuable than she really is to them.” Jimmy compensates by having as many women around as he can. This way he won’t be the one to be left - an unbearable ego blow.

“A man likes a strong woman,” Jimmy continued, “but she should be strong in subtle ways. In order to have a really terrific woman that he wouldn’t want to leave, a man has to be confident that his love was strong enough for her so she wouldn’t go somewhere else. Good women are too much for most men.”

When Jimmy finally found the woman of his dreams, he saw her twice, and after that, wouldn’t ever see her again. “The magic was really something. I held her close, we laughed a lot, she was terrific. Neither of us could part. It was perfect. At the end of the night we didn’t take each other’s numbers. We just had our night and said good-bye. We both said to each other we hoped we never saw each other again. You see, we created this incredible illusion for two nights, but could we do it again?

After what happened that night, well, it can’t get better than that? I’m gonna live off that memory the rest of my life.” For Jimmy, and many men like him, being truly happy, and affirmed in love can only happen in the world of illusion.

He was determined to hold onto this woman and the two nights they spent together exactly as they had been. He needed it badly. At all costs he didn’t want the fantasy to be destroyed, or to see aspects of himself or her that didn’t fit in.

When a man is seeking illusion, fantasy, and escape from painful conflict or feelings of low self-esteem, a brief, magical experience, in which no one is tested, becomes a substitute for real love. A fantasy love cannot be threatened or damaged. It also cannot be taken away. Of course, the contradiction inherent in this situation is that holding onto this fantasy keeps the possibility of ongoing, sustaining love away.

Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna

Discover more about the surprising truths about love by working with the unique program in Dr. Shoshanna’s new e-book Why Men Leave. Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, relationship expert on i.village.com, speaker, and author of many books, including The Anger Diet and Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), You can contact her at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com . Her personal website is: http://www.brendashoshanna.com/

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The reasons why men cheat in a relationship are often different than the reasons why women cheat. A man’s reason for cheating can include genetics, a sense of challenge, self-esteem and a lack of interest in their current relationship. None of these reasons are justifiable but it is very helpful to understand them.

Genetics may play a factor. There is a theory that some men are more susceptible because of high testosterone levels and high sex drive. The theory suggests that men are programmed from prehistoric times to ensure the survival of the species by being sexual with as many women as possible.

Certainly some men have very high sex drives, but this is no reason for unfaithfulness to a partner in today’s world of overpopulation and rampant divorce. Just like any other health issue, there are better ways available than giving in to the urges.

Another reason men cheat is the sense of challenge. They enjoy getting away with the affair, as well as the challenge of finding other women with whom to cheat. They enjoy the conquest more than anything.

Sure they enjoy the sexuality of the affair, but the pursuit, sneaking around, and the orchestration of the affair give the adrenaline rush that is more important than either the affair or the current relationship.

Men also cheat because of competition with other men. If their friends are single or cheating on their partners the man may feel he has to keep up with his friends.

This competition also fits in with the ego boost men will usually feel when in an affair. They feel desirable, powerful, and like a winner. They take pride in their ability to attract women and don’t care that doing so may destroy their relationship. Often the excitement of the chase is more important than the conquest.

Sometimes, just knowing that other women find them desirable is enough of a stroke that an actual affair is not even necessary. In general, it is a lack of self-esteem that drives them to reaffirm their attractiveness and desirability.

There usually is some difference between men who repeatedly cheat and those who have a single affair and then are rather surprised to find themselves in such a situation. The last reason for cheating is more likely to apply to this second group.

A man who is in a undesirable relationship is an affair waiting to happen. If the relationship has begun to wane and the man no longer feels the same attraction, he may find himself moving from boredom toward the excitement of another woman. It often starts as an innocent friendship that goes too far.

While the wise thing for such a man to do would be to either end the deteriorating relationship or go to work on making it better, many men hold on to it for safety while becoming involved with someone else.

All these reasons contribute to why men cheat: genetics, competition, self-esteem, and boredom. None justify the breaking of faith with a partner and the resulting loss of true emotional intimacy. However, understanding the problem helps us move toward the solutions in future articles.

© Steve Roberts - All Rights reserved
www.WhatWorksForCouples.com

Steve Roberts is an experienced Marriage and Family Therapist who shares tips and real life relationship secrets from over 20 years of practice. Married 27 years to Pam, his partner in Life and profession, he has personally known the peaks and valleys of the couple experience.

This article could have been titled “Three Thoughtful Reasons NOT To Change A Person,” because it applies to everyone, man or woman.

But since women are usually the ones trying to change men, it seemed more appropriate to address it to you girls.

If there’s one thing that all those years of married life have taught me, it’s that attempting to change a man is an exercise in futility.

But my reasons for not trying to change men have less to do with resigning myself to undesirable behaviour, than with mutual respect and consideration for a man’s feelings.

Here’s why I think it’s not fair to men that we keep trying to change them.

1. He’s entitled to his opinions and free will

I’m a big believer in a person’s right to exercise his free will. As long as he blames no one but himself and is willing to accept the consequences of his actions, a man should have the right to make his own mistakes and learn from them.

Respect his opinions and let him be. And the next time you try to make him change his ways, imagine how YOU would feel if the tables were turned.

2. He will never change for the wrong reasons

The wrong reasons include threats, manipulation, coercion and other underhanded methods. And no, you’re not allowed to use hypnosis or sex either. Play fair.

3. He will change only for the right reasons

The right reasons are inner-driven, and arise only when his actions create enough pain for him to desperately want to make a change. When he is sufficiently motivated to change, he’ll do it regardless of your wanting him to do it.

If he does decide to change, support him every step of the way, and get help for him and yourself. And what should I do if he doesn’t want to change, you say?

Well, then you don’t have too many options, and the ones you have may not be all that attractive. But here’s what you can do if his actions are causing you pain.

• Let Him Know

Your man may not even be aware that his behaviour is affecting you adversely. After all he’s not as intuitive as you are and can’t read your mind. So tell him what you feel. If he cares a lot about you, he may be motivated to change.

• Change Yourself

Susan Page, author of “How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together,” believes that for every action there is always an equal, opposite reaction, and that one person’s fundamental shift toward “good will” can lay the foundation for a better relationship. Based on that premise, all it should take to change your man is to change yourself.

I have my reservations about this approach, but don’t really see any harm in trying it as long as you don’t go overboard in trying to change yourself for his benefit. If it doesn’t change him it might help you deal with some of your own issues.

• Give Up Control

What are you anyway, some kind of control freak? You only have control over your own thoughts and actions, not over the actions of other people. Your penance is to say the “Serenity Prayer” out loud ten times a day. Go do it now, girl.

• Live With It

If you can convince yourself that his behaviour is not all that bad, or you’ve already invested too much in the relationship to leave, then learn to live with it, desensitise, detach, or minimise your exposure to it. It’ll prepare you well for learning to live with his mother.

• Walk, Leave, Vamoose

If his behaviour is too painful, if its affecting your health and self-esteem, then the kindest thing you can do for both of you, is to walk away from the situation.

Sometimes the best option is to make a fresh start. That way you’ll be able to attract someone more suited to your needs the next time around.

Recommended Reading:

If you’ve decided to go ahead and fight this (losing!) battle anyway, here are some battle plans that might help. Be warned, however, that there are no quick fixes, and changing someone is more about changing yourself and your own behaviour, so you’d better be willing to work on yourself first.

A Woman’s Guide to Changing Her Man: Without His Even Knowing It

Rather misleadingly titled, this book is about how women can change their approach to their partners, which means changing themselves first, thus improving their relationships.

Getting Through to the Man You Love: The No-Nonsense, No-Nagging Guide for Women

Well-titled to keep both sexes happy, this book is about enhancing communication with your spouse.

How One of You Can Bring the Two of You Together

Based on the premise that for every action there is always an equal, opposite reaction, and that one person’s fundamental shift toward “good will” lays the foundation for a better relationship.

Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships

John Gray’s book is a must-read for anyone convinced that the opposite sex is really from another planet (which we are).

In my quest to find the perfect mate, I often ended up dating or attracting people who were completely wrong for me. It was only when I realised a simple truth that my entire concept of relationships changed.

Practitioners of NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) have a rule that states: The meaning of your communication is the response that you get.

That means the response you elicit from a person depends entirely on how you communicate your ideas to them. If you communicate in a way that gets you the response you desired, you were successful. If not, you need to learn what was missing in your communication and how to incorporate that the next time you try.

Notice how this rule places the onus of getting a response on YOU, not on the other person.

If you extrapolate this to relationships, you could say, The kind of person you attract depends on the kind of person you are. Our relationships, and the people we attract into our lives, are just a reflection of who we are, at that point in our lives.

We often talk about men (or women) being emotionally unavailable or unwilling to commit to a better relationship. But the kind of people we attract into our lives often tend to be people who mirror our personality or the issues we are dealing with, in some way.

If, deep down, you have a fear of commitment or of losing your freedom, then you’re going to attract a mate with the same issues. If you have no self-love or low self-esteem, you’ll end up attracting people with the same problems.

The reason why we see patterns in our lives, why we get into abusive or unfulfilling relationships, is because we’ve not dealt with the issues that were responsible for creating our own beliefs and personalities.

The Law of Attraction states that like attracts like. If you think positive thoughts, you’ll attract good things to you. If you respect people and do good by them, you’ll elicit the same response from them.

If you want to attract a person with all the qualities you want in a mate, then you must develop those qualities in yourself.

Want your mate to be more loving, giving and kind? Then become more loving, giving and kind.

Want your mate to be health-conscious? Start taking charge of your own health and fitness.

Want your mate to have a good sense of humour? Take the time and effort to develop your own sense of humour.

Want your mate to be financially secure? Get your own finances in order.

Want your mate to be emotionally available? Commit to sharing more of yourself first.

If you’ve been attracting the wrong kind of people into your life, take a good look at the person in the mirror. Get to know yourself better. You’ll find the answers are all inside you.

If you want a better relationship, you must become a better person. To attract the mate of your dreams, you must become the person you want to attract.

Copyright Priya Shah

Priya Shah blogs on self-improvement and spirituality. Get more relationship tips and advice and free self-improvement resources. This article may be reprinted as long as the resource box is left intact and all links are hyperlinked.