Empowered Women Blog

We still live in a society that promotes the notion that it is normal for a man to desire many women and yet normal for a woman to desire only one man. Our beliefs about male and female behavior may have been helpful in the past, but today they are doing much more harm than good.

As a society we need to stop perpetuating the myth that females are naturally monogamous because this erroneous belief keeps women from taking responsibility when they do cheat. Unfortunately, when women cheat they typically put the blame on their husbands.

Most of the prevailing beliefs we hold about women were created and taught to control the sexual behavior of females in an effort to ease paternity insecurity in males. When females give birth they know the children they give birth to are biologically theirs. Males on the other hand, prior to DNA testing, had to rely on the faithfulness of their partners; which is the reason a sexual double-standard emerged. However, over time the sexual double-standard gave way to a false belief that females were in fact naturally monogamous. Today, it is no longer necessary to continue teaching this false belief because DNA testing allows males to have the same certainty about paternity as females.

Today, women initiate approximately 70 - 75% of all divorces. Due to our false beliefs, women lack adequate knowledge about their natural sexual impulses; as a result, they are much more likely than men to leave their marriages due to their sexual attractions and affairs. Although women typically pursue separations and divorces under the guise of searching for self the real reason is often another man. It’s not uncommon for women to be happily married prior to their affairs; it’s also not uncommon for men to be divorced by their wives without ever knowing about their wives’ extramarital relationships.

For many years now, women have been knowingly or unknowingly performing a balancing act - trying to attain equal rights, while at the same time, trying to maintain their special rights. Interestingly enough, most women are still not happy. Women continue to feel they get the short end of the stick. Women still do not feel as though they have equal rights, much less special rights, why? Because the sexual double standard still exists in our culture; but ironically, women’s final right to claim is the root from which their oppression stemmed.

However, it is no longer men who oppress women - it is women. Women have not yet decided whether they want to trade their image and all the special treatment that it affords them, for the public sexual freedom which is afforded to males. As a result, one of the biggest problems in relationships today, is due to the fact that women are finding it increasingly more difficult to maintain their image, now that their survival is no longer contingent upon it.

It is only by doing away with the sexual double standard that females will finally achieve the equality they have so long sought after. However, in doing so, they will have to give up one of their special rights - they will no longer be able to blame males for their sexual indiscretions and their lack of self control.

Michelle Langley is the author of Women’s Infidelity: Living In Limbo: What Women Really Mean When They Say, I’m Not Happy To read an excerpt from Women’s Infidelity visit http://womensinfidelity.com/

Has anyone ever spoken to you in an inappropriate manner? Often people are caught off guard and are not prepared to handle these challenging situations. But, as a leader, whenever you are in a situation that’s uncomfortable, it’s imperative that you speak up; the person needs to know that the behavior is inappropriate and that you will not tolerate it. Being a leader means that you expect the best of those around you and you hold them to the higher standard.

When you say nothing, the impact is great - to both you and to everyone else in your company. Saying nothing sends the message that the behavior is acceptable and the person is more likely to repeat it. Others may interpret this to mean that it’s okay to act in that way. Saying nothing can also leave you feeling victimized.

Learning to assert yourself in a way that gets your point across with grace and style is part of becoming a strong leader; it takes some tools, a little practice and a lot of courage. Becoming assertive will build your leadership muscles and foster self-respect as well as decrease your level of stress.

What Are Personal Boundaries?

Personal boundaries are the limits you set for how others may act or speak in your presence. They are lines you draw that define yourself. They are not walls to shut people out, but rather limits that keep the unwanted behaviors of others from entering your space. Boundaries are essential for personal health. They act as filters, permitting what’s acceptable into your life and keeping other elements out. Your boundaries are about what others may do to you or in your presence.

Whatever offenders do, you must remember that it’s not personal; it’s not about you even though it feels personal. Another person’s behavior is always about him or her and what thoughts s/he harbors in his mind. For example, if someone raises her voice, swears or speaks down to you, she may want power; she may need to be heard; she may want attention; whatever the reason, it’s about her.

Identify Your Boundaries

First you’ll need to identify your boundaries. Ask yourself how you want to be spoken to and how you want to be treated. What behaviors are acceptable? What behaviors are marginally acceptable?

Consider how parents do this with their children in order to socialize them and to help them grow. Yet, rarely do people leave childhood feeling they know exactly how to get their needs met and how to stop people from hurting them. Our parents do the best they can; as adults, we must pick up where they left off. We are responsible for how we experience life and for how we allow others to treat us.

Take notice of your feelings. Your feelings are your inner messengers, your inner guidance system. When a boundary is crossed, there is a definite physiological response. If someone’s comments or actions make you uncomfortable, notice how you react. Notice what part of your body reacts and acknowledge the feeling. Note what the person is doing or saying that is giving you this reaction and empower yourself by responding appropriately.

Express Your Boundaries

Once you are clear about your boundaries, you must educate people as to how to act in your presence. If you never tell anyone how to treat you, they will treat you in whatever way they choose. When you say nothing, you give your power away. It’s one thing to confide in a co-worker, I don’t like the way he spoke to me, and quite another to tell the person directly, Please don’t speak to me in that tone. When you assert your boundaries, you are telling others how you expect to be treated and you are respecting yourself.

You may become angry, frustrated or sad when a boundary is crossed. Don’t suppress your feelings; when you suppress your emotions, you only hurt yourself by increasing your stress and expending energy on keeping the feelings pent-up, which eventually can cause physical harm to your body. You also don’t want to react inappropriately to your emotions either.

As a leader, you need to learn to identify the source of the emotion, which is the other person’s actions and your permitting it in your space, and learn how to respond appropriately to get the results you want.

Enforce Your Boundaries

There are several ways to assert yourself and enforce your boundaries. Here are some tools for you to use:
Inform by pointing out the behavior you find unacceptable. Did you realize you were speaking very loudly?

Make a request. Please do not raise your voice to me.
Give instructions. I need for you to lower your voice.
Warn the person. You may not speak to me in that tone.
Make a demand. Stop it! I demand you stop yelling at me right now!
Leave. What you are doing is unacceptable to me. I am willing to work it out with you when you are able to be reasonable. I must leave now to protect myself.

Being a leader means demanding excellence of others asking for and expecting others to do and to be their best. When they miss the mark, you need to bring it to their attention. When you assert yourself and point out inappropriate behavior, you demonstrate leadership, exhibit self-respect and become a role model for others.

Julie Fuimano, MBA, BSN, RN is a Personal & Career Coach and Author of 101 Tips For Developing The Leader In You! . Her passion is coaching her clients to stop struggling and start enjoying themselves! For your free coaching consultation, visit Julie at http://www.nurturingyoursuccess.com, write to her at Julie@nurturingyoursuccess.com or call her directly at (484) 530-5024.

Ever wanted to get “insider” access to exclusive Hollywood makeup secrets and advice? I just came across an amazing new website about Women’s Makeup. If you’re a woman who’s looking for great information about how to become more beautiful… from the
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I’ve just added a new page featuring Workshops For Empowering Women. These workshops are offered by Alison Armstrong of PAX Programs and have been recommended to me by a number of writers on women’s issues, so I’m happy to recommend them to you here.

Celebrating Women: Regarding Ecstasy & Power - Learn to how to nurture your inner Queen and you will be treated like one.

Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women: A Two-Day Workshop for Women - The workshop for women who want to know about men. The Celebrating Men, Satisfying Women workshop will help you understand why men do what they do.

Understand Men 101: Making Sense Of Men - In only three hours, you could unlock the door to an entirely new way of relating to men. Making Sense Of Men is for women who want to understand men better.

Celebrating Men & Sex: Change the Way You Relate To Men - Identify your sexual needs. Everything from what you need in a relationship for sex to be part of it, to what you need to be willing to participate in different sexual acts, from kissing to intercourse, and more.

Celebrating Men & Marriage: Free yourself from the fantasies and superstitions about marriage - Free yourself from the fantasies and superstitions about marriage, and see yourself and men in an entirely new way.

Check out the workshops here to understand yourself and the men in your life better.