Empowered Women Blog

Do you believe that you need a partner to be happy? My client, Adrienne, an attractive woman in her 50’s, has been married and divorced twice. She was unhappy in both marriages, but she still believes that she needs a partner to be happy. This belief continually leads her into inappropriate relationships with men who initially come on strong, only to turn out to be emotionally needy, just like her.

The problem is we attract people at our common level of woundedness and our common level of health. Because Adrienne had never learned to take loving care of herself, she generally met men who were not taking care of themselves. When she finally did meet a man who was taking personal emotional responsibility, the relationship was short-lived. He soon lost interest in a woman who wanted him to make her happy.

As Adrienne and I worked together, it became apparent that she had spent her whole life taking emotionally responsibility for others  her parents, her children, and her partners. In her belief system, she was supposed to make others happy and they were supposed to make her happy. But it never seemed to work out that way  she never felt happy.

Adrienne also believed that taking care of herself was selfish rather than self-responsible. She feared that if she did what she wanted to do, instead of what everyone else wanted her to do, the people around her would be mad at her.

As we worked together, it became apparent to Adrienne that her unhappiness was not because she didn’t have a partner but because she was not taking responsibility for herself. She was not speaking up for herself at work or with the men she dated, instead allowing people to walk all over her.

She realized that in constantly trying to have control over people not getting angry with her, she was abandoning herself. It was her self-abandonment that was causing her so much pain and feelings of aloneness.

As Adrienne began to take better care of herself, she started to feel better. But she still felt that there was a hole in her life. She wanted a partner for companionship to have dinner with, to go to a movie with, to travel with and play with.

Adrienne, I said to her, I understand that you would love to have a partner to do things with. But why can’t you do these things with friends? I’m not saying to stop being open to finding a partner, but meanwhile, why not do these things with friends?

I don’t have friends, she replied. I have been so busy trying to find a partner that I haven’t taken any time to develop friendships. When I don’t have a date, I tend to isolate.

How do you feel when you isolate?

I feel sad and lonely. That’s why I think I need a partner to be happy. It just hasn’t occurred to me that I could be doing fun things with friends.

So, this is a major way that you have not been taking care of yourself. You have been allowing yourself to feel sad and lonely rather than taking care of yourself by developing friendships. Would you be willing to put yourself in places where you might meet people and to reach out for friendship?

Adrienne agreed that she would do this. The next week in our phone session, she sounded much better. She had met an interesting woman at her daughter’s soccer game and they had plans to meet for lunch.

As Adrienne devoted herself to developing close friendships, she stopped feeling sad and lonely. As a happier woman, she started meeting happier men. The last time I spoke with her, she was dating a man she really liked. And she was keeping up her friendships, determined to not make this man responsible for her happiness.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and Healing Your Aloneness. She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding healing process. Learn Inner Bonding now! Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course: www.innerbonding.com or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone sessions available.

Article Source

Body image is a HUGE (excuse the pun) problem with women in the U.S. A recent Glamour Magazine survey found that 75% of women ages 18-35 believe they are fat. Even though only 60 percent actually are overweight, they have a skewed body image. The vast majority of women don’t see themselves as slender and attractive.

According to the 2000 census, the female population of the United States is over 140 million. This means over 84 million women in our country are overweight. Nearly 40 million women are medically obese. If thin women feel lousy about themselves, you know how large women feel. They have even more serious body image issues.

Researchers at Penn State who surveyed women about their sexual satisfaction found that the less attractive a woman felt, the less sexual desire and activity she experienced. Since women who are overweight are conditioned by society’s pervasive thin is beautiful message, the combination of these statistics suggest that, at the very least, 40 million women, and quite possibly, 84 million women aren’t having the kind of love life they want to have, and it’s because of their poor body image.

In Overcoming Fear of Fat, Laura S. Brown and Esther D. Rothblum suggest that the link in our society’s mindset of fat with being out-of-control and with laziness and ugliness creates in a woman an energy-draining self-hatred. It’s no wonder, then, that in a McCall’s Magazine phone poll, 40 percent of 350 participating women reported they were less interested in sex when they felt overweight.

In her article, Factors in the Sexual Satisfaction of Obese Women in Relationships, published in the January 15, 2002 issue of Electronic Journal of Human Sexuality, Wilka Woodward Areton includes this quote offered by an overweight woman: when I go up a few pounds, I can’t enjoy myself in bed. I’m afraid to let my belly out. I feel embarrassed to make any noise, and I’m less relaxed about being touched.

This woman undoubtedly speaks for millions of women when she says that she feels too heavy to be attractive. She goes on to confirm how her poor body image intrudes into intimate moments: I know in my heart I should be thinner. Sometimes I get so wrapped up in thinking about it that I can’t really enjoy Rob touching or even wanting me.

The message that women must be thin in order to be attractive is what drives women to diet. Unfortunately, the dieting, even when successful, isn’t enough to change a woman’s body image enough to enjoy sexual satisfaction.

In a study of 60 obese women who dieted successfully, 47 percent of the participants reported that they were disappointed because their weight loss didn’t satisfy them. They lost weight, and still felt awful about themselves. They still didn’t feel sexy.

If big women (and even so-called normal-sized women) are to enjoy their intimate relationships, they need to address their body image. Learning to accept yourself and enjoy the pleasure in your life is the key to changing the way you think about your body.

When you learn ways to please a lover and take proactive steps to leave old body perceptions behind, you can change your love life. A changed love life is a wonderful way to completely transform a bad body image.

Wouldn’t you rather be making love than counting calories or running on a treadmill? If you’re a large women who wants to be beautiful and sexy AND have great sex without having to diet and exercise, A Big Beautiful Woman’s Guide To Great Sex-The Caramel Sutra is the e-book for you.