Empowered Women Blog

Ah Men! We love their strength, their build, their way of Being. We love their touch, their voice, the way they check us out. But aren’t there things about them that you wish someone had told you? I have a few.

I wish someone had told me that single does not mean available. By all appearances and indications he may be single: free and clear, not dating, not married. He may talk a good game. But, if his actions toward you are, shall we say, a bit underwhelming, something else has his attention.

You see, we women tend to fall in love with what we hear. And if he, at some point, has mentioned he wants a relationship, we think it means now and it’s with us. Or, if we’ve talked about wanting a relationship and he didn’t object, we see it as the green light. Never mind that he doesn’t show up on time. Never mind that days go by without contact. We hope that things will change in time.

Ladies, regardless of the reason he gives, we should not remain attached to relationships that don’t nourish us. I wish someone had told me this. If he’s truly interested, you don’t have to draw him a map. He’ll find a way to get in your space. He’ll want to impress you. He’ll want to nourish you. Trust, he doesn’t want to leave any opening for another man to gain your attention.

Every man is not the same, you might argue. And I’d have to say you’re right. However, there are some questions that you would be wise to have answered before you overextend yourself. In the old days, dads use to ask, What are your intentions towards my daughter? Well, now that you’re an adult, it’s up to you to ask. Requiring him to state his purpose is not only mature but is the standard of the confident woman.

He may seem hot for you. But if the heat is purely physical and he’s not hot to get to know you or seeks to please you, he’s not available. I certainly wish someone had told me that.

I wish someone had told me do not get involved with a man who is in pain or in transition. His heart is not free to focus on anything else. He may appreciate your kindness. He might even cling to you and welcome you into his life. But don’t get it twisted, he is seeking relief. When he is no longer hurting, he no longer requires the pain reliever.

However, if perchance he does ask you to marry him, DON’T. Wait to see what kind of man he is once he’s no longer hurting. Once he arrives at his destination in life, notice how he regards you. It’s not time to get married; but rather to actually see if there is substance to the relationship.

Marriage doesn’t mean commitment. A man can approach marriage as an arrangement or a partnership. If he sees some benefit he deems important enough, he’ll marry a woman he doesn’t even love. And he will commit to that arrangementat least on paper. But if you don’t have his heart, you don’t have him. He’ll look for emotional fulfillment elsewhere: might be another woman, might be a friendship, might be a job. I wish someone had told me that.

What do people, including his family, say about him? What do your friends or family think of h

As a woman who’s experienced her fair share of personal tragedy and failed relationships, I feel very strongly that a woman should be completely independent of her man.

I don’t mean that you should never let a man do anything for you. Independence to me means being able to take care of my own needs in a healthy manner, with or without a man.

Independence promotes self-worth and self-esteem. It also gives you the confidence to walk away from an unfulfilling or abusive relationship.

Healthy, secure men are attracted to independent, confident women. Only insecure men like women who are clingy and dependent. And that’s definitely not the sort of man you want to attract.

If you like being the “damsel in distress”, waiting for a man to rescue you from your loneliness, you’d better get used to being the doormat or discard, when he trades you in for another model.

There are five forms of independence I believe every woman should cultivate:

1. Physical Independence:

Many codependent women fake illness (or choose to believe that they’re ill) to get attention and get taken care of by their family. Really, how empowering can it be to have someone else take care of all your physical needs?

Unless you suffer from a serious illness or disability, buying groceries, managing your bank accounts, and paying bills are things you should be able to do for yourself, even if you live with someone else.

Take responsibility for your own health and well-being. As a burden to others, you become vulnerable to abuse or abandonment.

2. Sexual Independence:

Learning to pleasure oneself can be very empowering for a woman. Men do it all the time, so there’s no reason why women can’t.

If you can meet your own sexual needs in a healthy manner, you’ll never have to settle for one-night stands or relationships that are demeaning.

Because of conditioning by family and society, many women are not even comfortable with exploring their own bodies. False beliefs about sex and our own bodies can lead to sexual incompatibility and unhappiness in marriage.

For the sake of your marriage and relationships, learn to get comfortable with your own body. If you know how to pleasure yourself, you can help your partner pleasure you better.

3. Financial Independence:

Many women still expect a man to be the provider and a source of security. A man who has a home and car is seen as a better match than one who doesn’t. But like us women, men want to be loved for themselves, not for what they can give us.

If you depend on a man financially, you’ll always be at his mercy, willing to tolerate abuse or disrespectful behaviour. Relationships built on a foundation of need are doomed to fail, or be unhappy for one or both people.

Unless she is taking care of kids and the home - a job in itself - no woman should be financially dependent on a man. At the very least, she should be educated or capable of using her skills and talents to stand on her own two feet, should the man walk out of the relationship.

Being financially independent enhances your own self-worth, and gives you the freedom to make better choices in relationships. You’re less likely to tolerate disrespect or abuse if you know you can fend for yourself.

4. Emotional Independence:

This is the ability to deal with emotional issues and problems on your own. If you act emotionally needy and clingy, you’ll attract insecure men.

Neediness will not only attract potential abusers, but will also drive away a good man looking for a strong, independent woman.

If you’re having trouble meeting your own emotional needs, I recommend you read Inner Bonding: Becoming a Loving Adult to Your Inner Child by Margaret Paul.

5. Spiritual Independence:

A good man wants to be with an independent-thinking woman, not one who follows him around agreeing to everything he says.

Being an independent thinker means having the courage to stand by your beliefs, speak your mind, and follow the path that feels right for you. It makes you less likely to attract a man who is controlling and tries to dictate what you should think, read or believe in.

Independence is attractive because it gives a woman the freedom to make better choices and enter a healthy, authentic, inter-dependent relationship on her own terms.

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Copyright Priya Shah

Priya Shah writes about self-improvement and women’s empowerment. Click here for relationship tips and advice.

This article may be reprinted as long as the resource box is left intact and all links are hyperlinked.

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It probably isn’t a big shock to say that Men and Women are different in their relationships. These differences are glaringly obvious when it comes to their differences in how they talk about their feelings.

Some differences are purely biological and there is no debate such as the fact that the Corpus Callosum (the part of the brain that connects the two brain hemispheres) is larger in women than men and because of this, women process thinking and feeling simultaneously.

This makes sense when it comes to caring for a child who is crying and needs for an adult not to ignore their feelings. It is just has important for men to have a smaller Corpus Callosum which enables them to separate feelings from thinking.

This enables men to respond fairly well in a crisis when feelings would interfere with the ability to stay cool under pressure. While this is often helpful information for my clients I have found the need to often give Women an example to illustrate this point in modern day terms.

Let’s imagine that I am in a group full of men and women, and I pick out a gentleman named Steve. I say to Steve, “I want to illustrate something to your wife so if you will indulge me with a little experiment, I’ll give you $1000 to slip into this tiny little Speedo bathing suit. In the next room there are 20 women whom I want you to dance around and make a fool of yourself in this little bathing suit.”

Now, once I show Steve the $1,000 I really don’t think I’ll have much trouble getting him to agree. He may even demand more money, but the odds are that I can probably offer him enough money to entice him into becoming a dancing machine. Steve, like most men, doesn’t take himself too seriously when it comes to his body because men, in general, are very comfortable with their bodies.

Now, let’s imagine I turned to Susan (Steve’s wife) and said to her, “Susan, here is a string bikini. I will give you $1000 if you will go next door, put this on and dance around in front of a room full of men.” Susan, like most every woman, would refuse. I could offer $2000, and she would still reply, “Not a chance!”

The odds are no matter how much money I offer, Susan will probably never take me up on my dare. The reason she will not do so is that women, in general, are “BODY MODEST.” Women are very modest about their appearance, how they present themselves, and it would mortify most women to have to present themselves in such a way.

In the same sort of context, men are “FEELINGS MODEST”. For a man to share how he feels, what is going on inside of him, is just as awkward for him as it would be for Susan in the above example to parade around in front of a group of people in a bikini.

Now, this doesn’t mean that men shouldn’t be encouraged to share their feelings or to open up and get in touch with the vulnerable side of themselves that is rarely accessed, it just means that it does not come as naturally. If a woman presses a man to share feelings, it is important that she realize that what she is comfortable with and what is familiar to her is very awkward and disjointed for a man.

I fully believe that a man needs to share and understand his feelings, but if he clams up and doesn’t know how to describe them, the most important thing for a woman to do is not to punish him. It is going to take time for him to trust you to be so vulnerable. If you shame him, he will rarely take a chance and try it again.

Bob Grant, “The Relationship Doctor” is the author of the best-selling book, “The Woman Men Adore…and Never Want to Leave.” His coaching firm has been helping women achieve the relationship of their dreams throughout the United States and World. In addition he has published a Free Report entitled “How to be Irresistibly Sexy to Men”. You may learn more by visiting him at: http://www.relationshipheadquarters.com

Women complain they can’t get men to talk. When time comes for intimate conversation, guys clam up, offer a few, indecipherable grunts and expect women to magically understand what’s going on. The number one complaint women have in relationships is, I don’t know what he’s thinking. He never tells me what is going on with him. How can I get him to open up?

Women feel shut out, and men feel misunderstood. However, there is something women don’t realize. Men want to talk. Under the right conditions, they’ll talk all night long. Most men desperately need to unburden themselves and let others know what’s going on.

Trained For Silence

Men are silenced by different factors - the roles they are forced to play, lessons they’ve learned from their own families, or hurt from past relationships. They are silenced by prevalent myths of manhood, which often contradict the reality of the lives now.

A common myth is that it is unmanly to talk, to open up and tell all. A man must present an invincible image to the world. As children boys are told - Boys don’t cry. That stuff’s for girls. Implicit in the idea is that expressing feelings represents weakness. It is as if they say, I’m powerful, I need nothing from you.

Putty In Her Hands

If she knows too much about me, I’ll be putty in her hands, said Robert, a thirty year old executive. I never let a woman know what’s really doing inside. Why should I? She’ll only throw it back at you when there’s a fight later.

Robert lives expecting trouble. In fact, he not only looks forward to it, but also does his share to quietly make it happen. It’s the way he releases his pent up feelings.

It’s okay to fight, Robert continued. You get closer later. I mean, if you can survive a good fight, then the two of you have a chance.

For Robert, communication, via fighting, is for the purpose of establishing rank. This is not communication, but sparring. It is domination, masking itself as love.

Real communication is never about winning or losing. The essence of real communication is always about love

Getting Him To Talk

In order to bring out the best in a man, and hear all of what he has to say, there are easy steps which when followed, will help this happen easily.

No Rejection

He’s got to feel he’s not going to be rejected, says Ed Pankau, nationally acclaimed private investigator and best-seller, author of How To Hide Your Assets And Disappear. Men are afraid if they do open up, someone’s going to laugh at them and they’ll be humiliated. Men are much more afraid of rejection than women. People don’t realize that.

Don’t Judge Him

Feeling judged is another form of rejection. Listen to what he is saying, and beyond listening, offer something positive in return, Pankau continues. After he tells you some things you could then say, Well, that’s not so bad. I’ve done worse.’ Let him know you’re on his team, and not sitting there judging him.

Reveal Yourself As Well

There must be mutual disclosure between partners. Everybody has problems, fears and skeletons in the closet, Mr. Pankau continues. Many guys feel, if I reveal this, she’ll leave me. You have to show that this is not the case. Reveal something about yourself that shows you have as much trust in him as he has in you.

Let Go Of Past Grievances

If an individual feels his communication will be distorted, misunderstood, told to others, or thrown back at him at a later date, it is impossible for him to open up. Some people hold onto what has been said at one point in time, and never let it go.

The ability to forgive may be just as simple as realizing that what was true a year ago, may not be true now. True communication requires the ability to remain in the present moment and to let the past be over when it’s done.

Listen To Everything He Wants To Say

Lewis Harrison, Healer and Director of the Academy of Natural Healing, has a different experience regarding communication. As far as I’m concerned, he said, I, personally, tell everybody everything. I can’t hold it back if I want to. My wife is willing to listen to everything. I don’t have to lie to her at all.

Not only is Lewis’s wife willing to hear what he says, but she is willing to take action to give him what he asks for. This is communication taken to the highest level. Her ability to understand is manifested both in words and in deeds. We all want love and we want to give love but are not willing to do what is required to make that happen, and part of that is honesty.

Celebrate Honesty

In order to communicate honestly, you have to accept honesty from others, and many people won’t. Arrmand DiMele, Director and Founder of the DiMele Center for Psychotherapy and the host of the Positive Mind show asked, Is it even possible to have honest relationships?

The assumption is everybody’s going to be honest. The truth is few people are. The main reason that people are not honest is the consequences are too big. You can’t do it if the other person is not going to celebrate honesty.

The ability to accept honesty from others grows as we a realize that true security does not come from the approval of others, but from being true to ourselves.

Be True To Yourself

How can we be true to ourselves if we don’t know who we are? Identity is a complex matter. For some men it consists of clinging to a role, or rigid sense of themselves. This man does not realize that who a person is today, he may not be tomorrow. At different times different parts of himself will emerge, the Warrior, Healer, Lover, Wise Man, Real Guy. We all can and must grow into newer and larger senses of ourselves
Unless a man is allowed to explore different aspects of himself he can easily fall prey to compulsions and misfortunes. His love becomes conditional, given one moment and taken away the next.

Dr. Brenda Shoshanna, is a psychologist, author, relationship expert on i.village, and speaker. Her latest book is Living By Zen, (Timeless Truths For Everyday Life) , with a section on relationships upon which this article is based. Some of her other books include, Zen And The Art Of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), What He Can’t Tell You And Needs To Say (Putnam), Why Men Leave (Putnam), Zen Miracles, (Finding Peace In An Insane World) and more. She can be reached at topspeaker@yahoo.com, or her personal website http://www.brendashoshanna.com

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Once upon a time in a city not too far away lived a young girl. She was bright and shiny in the way that only 19 year-old girls can be.

On this one particular night, she was dressed as a French poodle - her new style of dress for her brand new position as a cocktail waitress at an upscale theme restaurant in the city where she lived.

She had finished her shift for the night and she was in the parking lot with her group of friends who were also just getting off shift when she remembered that she had forgotten her new boots in the dressing room. So with her boyfriend as escort she headed back to the restaurant which meant taking a walk through a meandering garden path.

As the pair began their walk on the planked garden path and stepped out of sight from their friends, the lights went out and the well-lit path fell into shadow…and out of the gloom stepped two large men wearing featureless masks carrying guns…

Unfortunately, this is no fairy tale. This is a true story. My story. And that night I was lucky. The two jerks who put their guns to our heads were unorganized and didn’t really know what they were doing - it was clear that they didn’t have a plan.

Me? I was angry. A strange reaction, I suppose, but I was. One of the two worms decided that they wanted me to lie down in the garden off the path - I got even angrier and I argued with them. I told them to get bent in so many words; I wasn’t going to go down easy or at all if I could help it.

My boyfriend wasn’t being much help - he was acquiescing which under the circumstances for him was probably the right move. But he wasn’t the one who was being drooled over either…these two freaks were actually staring at my thighs!

Anyway they didn’t know what to do when I refused to cooperate and they began to argue with each other. With their attention diverted, I ran. Fast. I was out of there…

While I came out of this incident unscathed, the opposite could have just as easily happened. I said I was lucky and that is really an understatement - I could have been badly injured, raped, or even murdered. My reaction worked for me for a couple of reasons:

1. I didn’t let fear or panic overtake me.

2. I knew the area and my attackers didn’t and they really were a couple of buffoons.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that all bad guys are stupid - they’re not! Most are in control, know what they want, how they’re going to get it, and they’ve got nothing to lose. Unlike you… or me at this point. You and I, we have lives, we have families and pets and plans for what we’re going to do this weekend…we have lots to lose.

Don’t make the mistake of thinking that you’ll never be attacked. A woman is raped every 2 minutes in the US; over the last two years the number of rapes and sexual assaults totaled more than 787,000.

Be prepared. When it is your turn, know what to do and have a weapon in your hand or on your belt - there are so many to choose from today:

1. One of my favorites is a stun gun that looks just like a cell phone and today who doesn’t carry a cell phone?

2. Or how about a new twist on pepper spray - Pepper Spray Foam or Pepper Spray Gel with a UV dye to stain and mark your attackers face

3. And if you just really love the feel of a solid weapon in your hand - consider the Tazer. For those of us with bad aim you can always get a Tazer with a laser sight.

Stand up for yourself - refuse to be a victim.

Amy Herndon is an authority on personal safety and home security. Her web site: http://www.AZHselfdefense.com has even more information and tools for personal defense.

“What’s life without a girl friend?” asks Jimmy, a tall, forty-five year old Sicilian man, an irresistible charmer. “I never say good-bye to one without a few more waiting in the wings,” he says. “It keeps me going. Is that so bad?” Then he flashes his boyish grin.

Although he never stays long, Jimmy has strong opinions on male female relationships. “There’s a conflict of roles, with no roles clearly defined. “Women want monogamous relationships. Men don’t want to get trapped. Men get guilty about leaving though. Believe it or not, it’s hard to leave. We men do get guilty. Whatever we do we end up feeling like rats.

Underneath all this are his feelings of dependency. Jimmy believes a man is nothing compared to a woman.”A man really wants a woman to run the show,” he says easily. “A guy doesn’t know what’s going on. But he also wants the woman to let him think he’s running it. If women could only understand that -boy. It’s a subtle thing.

Commenting on this issue, Dr. Robert Berk, says, “There are a lot of men who can’t tolerate their own dependency on women because they experience it as emasculating. They therefore withdraw. Some downgrade the woman to make her appear a lot less valuable than she really is to them.” Jimmy compensates by having as many women around as he can. This way he won’t be the one to be left - an unbearable ego blow.

“A man likes a strong woman,” Jimmy continued, “but she should be strong in subtle ways. In order to have a really terrific woman that he wouldn’t want to leave, a man has to be confident that his love was strong enough for her so she wouldn’t go somewhere else. Good women are too much for most men.”

When Jimmy finally found the woman of his dreams, he saw her twice, and after that, wouldn’t ever see her again. “The magic was really something. I held her close, we laughed a lot, she was terrific. Neither of us could part. It was perfect. At the end of the night we didn’t take each other’s numbers. We just had our night and said good-bye. We both said to each other we hoped we never saw each other again. You see, we created this incredible illusion for two nights, but could we do it again?

After what happened that night, well, it can’t get better than that? I’m gonna live off that memory the rest of my life.” For Jimmy, and many men like him, being truly happy, and affirmed in love can only happen in the world of illusion.

He was determined to hold onto this woman and the two nights they spent together exactly as they had been. He needed it badly. At all costs he didn’t want the fantasy to be destroyed, or to see aspects of himself or her that didn’t fit in.

When a man is seeking illusion, fantasy, and escape from painful conflict or feelings of low self-esteem, a brief, magical experience, in which no one is tested, becomes a substitute for real love. A fantasy love cannot be threatened or damaged. It also cannot be taken away. Of course, the contradiction inherent in this situation is that holding onto this fantasy keeps the possibility of ongoing, sustaining love away.

Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna

Discover more about the surprising truths about love by working with the unique program in Dr. Shoshanna’s new e-book Why Men Leave. Dr. Shoshanna is a psychologist, relationship expert on i.village.com, speaker, and author of many books, including The Anger Diet and Zen And The Art of Falling In Love, (Simon and Schuster), You can contact her at mailto: mailto:topspeaker@yahoo.com . Her personal website is: http://www.brendashoshanna.com/

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The reasons why men cheat in a relationship are often different than the reasons why women cheat. A man’s reason for cheating can include genetics, a sense of challenge, self-esteem and a lack of interest in their current relationship. None of these reasons are justifiable but it is very helpful to understand them.

Genetics may play a factor. There is a theory that some men are more susceptible because of high testosterone levels and high sex drive. The theory suggests that men are programmed from prehistoric times to ensure the survival of the species by being sexual with as many women as possible.

Certainly some men have very high sex drives, but this is no reason for unfaithfulness to a partner in today’s world of overpopulation and rampant divorce. Just like any other health issue, there are better ways available than giving in to the urges.

Another reason men cheat is the sense of challenge. They enjoy getting away with the affair, as well as the challenge of finding other women with whom to cheat. They enjoy the conquest more than anything.

Sure they enjoy the sexuality of the affair, but the pursuit, sneaking around, and the orchestration of the affair give the adrenaline rush that is more important than either the affair or the current relationship.

Men also cheat because of competition with other men. If their friends are single or cheating on their partners the man may feel he has to keep up with his friends.

This competition also fits in with the ego boost men will usually feel when in an affair. They feel desirable, powerful, and like a winner. They take pride in their ability to attract women and don’t care that doing so may destroy their relationship. Often the excitement of the chase is more important than the conquest.

Sometimes, just knowing that other women find them desirable is enough of a stroke that an actual affair is not even necessary. In general, it is a lack of self-esteem that drives them to reaffirm their attractiveness and desirability.

There usually is some difference between men who repeatedly cheat and those who have a single affair and then are rather surprised to find themselves in such a situation. The last reason for cheating is more likely to apply to this second group.

A man who is in a undesirable relationship is an affair waiting to happen. If the relationship has begun to wane and the man no longer feels the same attraction, he may find himself moving from boredom toward the excitement of another woman. It often starts as an innocent friendship that goes too far.

While the wise thing for such a man to do would be to either end the deteriorating relationship or go to work on making it better, many men hold on to it for safety while becoming involved with someone else.

All these reasons contribute to why men cheat: genetics, competition, self-esteem, and boredom. None justify the breaking of faith with a partner and the resulting loss of true emotional intimacy. However, understanding the problem helps us move toward the solutions in future articles.

© Steve Roberts - All Rights reserved
www.WhatWorksForCouples.com

Steve Roberts is an experienced Marriage and Family Therapist who shares tips and real life relationship secrets from over 20 years of practice. Married 27 years to Pam, his partner in Life and profession, he has personally known the peaks and valleys of the couple experience.